Immaculate Conception

The Ad

Here's what we posted on Craigslist this time. Our first ad didn't have any of the FAQs, so we got a lot more responses but most of them were just curious. With the FAQs, we got maybe twenty responses, but everyone understood what they were getting into.

We posted it in the "gigs" section of part-time jobs.

We bet you never thought you could make money from something you probably do all the time anyway, but you can! You can make up to $300 a month for thirty minutes of work, if you're open-minded and want to help us.

We're a long-established lesbian couple looking for a sperm donor aged 20-35, in good health; a medical exam and brief family medical history will be necessary. All obligations end with pregnancy, as outlined in a tested legal contract. Make $100 per donation with an average of three donations a month until pregnancy is achieved. Nine months later, if we have a healthy baby, you’ll get a $1000 cash bonus.

We are looking for someone willing to make a monthly commitment for an indefinite amount of time, and someone who understands and agrees that ALL contact and obligations will cease after pregnancy.

All ethnicities, sexual orientations, and heights welcome, and we'll pay a premium if you're naturally predisposed to fitness, have an upbeat disposition, and display intelligence. We find a sense of humor really helps with this process, and since we laugh a lot we hope to make a baby who’s not too dour. The non-baby carrying woman has a German, French and Irish/Scottish background, and we find we tilt a bit towards donors who look a little like her.

The only things that would definitely rule you out are: age (over forty, it’s just more difficult to donate three times in three days, and the sperm are not as motile), having any kind of STD or genetically transmittable, life-altering disease, thinking this is about having sex with one or both of us, thinking you can change your mind about the contract later, or addiction to smoking, drugs or alcohol.

We are: happy, successful, bright, funny, well-educated, fantastic aunts, loving daughters and friends. One of us is a school administrator and one of us is an executive (but a nice one). We’ve been using a known donor for the last couple of months - We really adore him, but he’s leaving town and we don’t want to give up.

Donor FAQ’s:

What if I’m married or have kids already?
If you’re married, great – we will just need to meet your wife to make sure she understands what you’re doing and answer any questions she may have. She would also have to sign the contract giving up any rights to the child. If you already have kids, fantastic! We know what you’re capable of.

How exactly does the screening process work?
Send us an e-mail and we’ll write back. If we both agree, we’ll meet for coffee. (If you’re married or have a girlfriend/boyfriend who has a vote on whether you do this or not, bring them.) We’ll each get a week or so to think it over, then if we all decide to go for it, we’ll send you to the doctor. We have a doctor if you don’t. If the tests check out, we all go to a notary and sign some papers, then we’ll be good to go! This process typically takes about three weeks.

How EXACTLY does the sperm get into your body?
Okay. That’s what you really want to know, right? It’s simple. We will call you when I’m about to ovulate. We’ll meet at my friend’s house in Montrose or at our house in West Houston. We will give you a magazine if you need one, and leave you alone in the bathroom. You’ll do your thing like you always do, and this time, you’ll just add a condom to the mix. You finish up, hand us the condom, get your cash, and split. We put the sperm into a 5cc syringe and use it.

What about privacy?
That’s up to you. We are cool with anything between the ranges of complete anonymity for all time, to telling the child who the donor was once the child gets to be at least sixteen. We don’t plan on messing with your life any more than we want you to mess with ours.

I’m concerned because there won’t be a man in this baby’s life.
A) Not your baby, not your worry. B) We love men, and we have lots of them around all the time, we’re just not into having sex with them. We have at least two men who will definitely be plenty involved in this kiddo’s life, and will do sporting, manly things with them to balance out our testosterone deficiency.

What if I’m not 100% sure I’d really want to give up all rights to this kid for all time?
Then please don’t contact us. This is not something you should do on a whim. We have lawyers who would do anything to protect us, but the way Texas politics is going we think we will have fewer legal rights as a family over time, rather than more. If you’re not sure, we can’t trust that the courts will protect us, contract or no. It’s completely unfair to yank a child away from their family and into a new family just because your new wife thinks it might be a good idea, or because you get religion later on and worry that “your” kid is being raised by lesbians.

Why don't y'all just adopt?
See above. Right now we'd have trouble adopting in Texas, and it will probably only get worse. Plus, to be honest, I love me. I have a very healthy ego and my partner and I want a child that is at least partly mine. Our lives are so great, we really want to share our experiences with a child, and we prefer that that child be directly related to at least one of us.

Please e-mail with questions for more details. **Serious applicants only** - if you're a religious freak, a hater, or would rather share your opinions than your sperm, keep it to yourself. Again, we're *not* going to be sexually involved with you in any way, so if you're interested in a three-way, you should check out "casual encounters" instead. "

Boyo

Our current donor is part Gypsy, part Serb, part Turk, all goofball. He is pretty in a glowering sort of way, with intense eyes he uses to great effect and lots of crazy curly black hair he pulls back like Isaac Mizrahi just getting out of bed to wash his face. Current donor is tall and has really long limbs - he uses them to tell elaborate stories which always seem to involve him imitating someone climbing a ladder or swimming or playing basketball. Some days he looks like shit - he doesn't shave often and gets big dark circles under his eyes from playing videogames all night - but he's always charming. You can tell he thinks he's kind-of a big deal with the ladies, and the fact that we're lesbians confuses him when he's trying to get something from us. His combination of sophistication, humor, and ignorance about America makes us really like him.

But - he smokes, a lot. Smoking causes sperm to clump and reduces the likelihood that a conception will make it. We've asked him to stop or at least slow down, and he says he did/will, but we don't really believe him. So we're looking for new donors. We've met two guys, both who fit our original profile of All-American blondness, and we're just Not Impressed. We want another Current Donor! Someone with personality and bigness and great stories. We don't really love anonymity after all, someone we can forget ever existed after this baby comes. We want someone we can remember with fondness.

So - Current donor has one more chance this month, then it's back to Serbia for him. His girlfriend is here in the states, but his wife and child are back in Serbia, and he's ready to go home and resume married life. I don't blame him - his girlfriend is a jealous little sot - but I do hope we get pregnant this week. Something tells me we won't.

Coming in at the middle of the Story

It's the waiting. I'm just as impatient as any Type-A ADD internet-raised gen-x brat, even though I'm 37 and a bit old to compare myself to pigtailed DJ girls. but - that's what's required, and what's been required since we began this mammalian existance.

But it does drag. The first month, I was certain i was pregnant - ugly and smug and full of pride. This month, I'm equally certain I'm not. And I won't know either way for five or six more days. Our donor is going home to Eastern Europe at the beginning of next month, and boyo wants his cash dollar knock-up bonus. Being Eastern Europian, he smokes like a petroleum refinery in Louisiana, and studies show smoking is not so good for male fertility, so we're interviewing an American donor and wife tomorrow morning. Staying busy makes me less anxious.

I have so much, a girlfriend I love, three dogs who make me laugh, a home and a pool and family and friends and a fantastic job for the best company I could imagine. Every day I am grateful. I have all this, and of course, want more.